You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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