$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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