Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
