i barfeds in our rink
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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