i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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