got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
