i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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