if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
