Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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