I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
