Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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