I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
