Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
