Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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