tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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