he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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