we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
