I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
