I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
