I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
