If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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