If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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