i think i have herpe
just one?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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