remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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