Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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