your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
