chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
