one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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