whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
