I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
