Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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