I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
