I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
