Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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