Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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