i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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