You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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