Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
