So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize