I think I won the penis lottery.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
