And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
