Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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