I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
