4 words: hood of his car
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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