Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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