it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
