A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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