I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
40s are totally the cure
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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