you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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