My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
