I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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