I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
