Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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