I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
