I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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