i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
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It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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