I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
