im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
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He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize