Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
