Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
