If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
